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Lights Jokes

I KNEW You Were Drunk
I got pulled over earlier today... Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.” Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.” Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A car..?” Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?” Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.” Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.” Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.” Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A motorcycle.” Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?” Me: “I have no idea!” Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.” Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?” Cop: “A hooker of course.” Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?” Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
4th of July Pick Up Lines
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

- Ralph Bus.
Funny Work Quotes
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
History Puns
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
The Nun and the Fig Leaf
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Flower Pick Up Lines
Your fragrance lights up my life.
Lamp Puns
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Witch Puns
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Hiking Pick Up Lines
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Christian Pick Up Lines
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Chuck Norris Jokes
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Electricity Puns
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Canadian Pick Up Lines
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Theater Puns
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.