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Half Jokes

Strawberry Puns
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Tableware Puns
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Double the Trouble
A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman, but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time." So, the woman thinks of a first wish... "I want to be rich!" So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! So, the woman thinks of a second wish... "I want to be beautiful!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. "Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for." The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision. "I want you to scare me half to death!"
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Mermaid Puns
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Funny Animal Quotes
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”

- Craig Shoemaker.
Orange Puns
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Gnome Puns
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
The Surgeon Lecturer
One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction. At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?" The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!" God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask: "Which half?"
Funny Work Quotes
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
And What Does YOUR Father Do?
It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."
Food Poems
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)