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Girlfriend Jokes

Ogre Puns
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Movie Pick Up Lines
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
My Experience with Women
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
Peach Puns
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Nuts Puns
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Frankenstein Puns
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Funny Poems
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
A Friendly Suggestion
A man bumps into an old high school friend he hadn't seen for a number of years. His old friend was notorious for bragging back in high school - about his possessions, achievements and relationships, so he wondered if much had changed in the time since he last saw him. It wasn't long before the man realized his old friend hadn't changed much at all - on and on he rambled, talking about his amazing job, his huge mansion and the new Porsche he'd just bought himself. At one point, the old friend pulls out a photograph of his wife and shows it to the man. "She's beautiful, isn't she?" the old friend asks. "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend," replies his exhausted friend. "Why? Is she a stunner too?" "No, she's an optometrist."
Yard Puns
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
Pot Puns
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Strawberry Puns
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Meat Puns
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Monster Puns
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Mick Jagger and the Desperate Youth
A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up. One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready. Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger. “Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.” “Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair." Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend. “Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile. The guy looks at him impatiently. "Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"
Dear John...
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."