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Farm Jokes

Crow Puns
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Garden Quotes
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Old McDonald's Farm
Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?” The other replies, “He had a farm.” The first asks, “How do you spell it?” To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”
Onion Puns
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Garden Puns
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Movie Pick Up Lines
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
A Man Buys a Pig on a Farm
An American man was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
Marriage Puns
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Pig Puns
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Mushroom Puns
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
Pea Puns
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Crocodile Puns
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Little Johnny is Fascinated
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.” The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” She sighed. "Go head, Johnny." Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
Typical Day at the Farm
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!". The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."