I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.