What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
