What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"