What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"