What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."