What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.