How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!