Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.