"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!