Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.