What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."