Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.