What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!