Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.