Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!