Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
To get to the other tide.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!