How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.