How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Ah! The element of surprise.