What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.