My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
All stereos are so typical.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.