How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!