Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady