My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
