My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"