A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.