What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.