We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
