Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.