Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.