What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.