I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
