What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
