Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.