Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.