Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!