What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.