The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.