How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
To get to the other tide.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.