I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.