Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.