What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.