I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Nothing really mattress.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference