I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Nothing really mattress.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.