My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.