Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.