If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.