If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.