Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"