My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
