Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"