How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.