It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"