Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
"Some people have no guts."
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
"Bone to be wild."
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.