How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.