Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.