I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
"Lazy bones."
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.