I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
"Bugs and hisses."
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.