What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.