What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.