My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.