Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
You’re my heartthrob.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.