Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.