My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
"Bugs and hisses."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"