A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I have a heart-on for you.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.