You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
"Some people have no guts."
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'