How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.